The Stigma

Once again we are here.

This continuation from my previous post. In this case I be talking about the negative effect of prolong illness and body-shaming tactics we play on ourselves.

When I first developed my bleeding condition, I was reporting to work every day. At first I got few glances when I vanish into the restroom and came back a little paler, other times I quickly turned around and clean myself before anyone notice. But as time when on it became impossible to hide. One day while carrying a conversation with costumer, a stream of mucus and blood drip out my nose. This also left my tire and irritable and feeling as if there was something wrong with me.

I would hide in the back of the office, put tissues up my nose, or even seclude myself. I felt disgusting, infected and most of all not belonging to the social world.

This not only affected my relationship with costumers in my work, but I was also made target of jokes.

Now, I’m thick skin fellow who does not mind the occasional “Did someone beat you up?” or the wondering or “Excuse, why you have bloody tissues up your nose?” That all fine. Even my coworkers: “Your disgusting and snot-lord” comments are fine.

What was not, is how I felt about myself.

I felt undesirable

Having dealt with asthma and Crohn’s disease, my entire life and I have always felt my relationship were a bit different. Women like guys who can be tough and protective, (sorry for stereotyping here) I usually end sick once a week in bed and in need of rest. I can’t drink much because of Crohn’s, so bars are out the question, nor is spicy food or much of the fast food line up.

So my social life is very limited, because I’m easy tire and get sick. I can spend good day with person, but upon going home I crash and wouldn’t be able to do anything next day, not to say sometimes I would take double doses in order to keep the apperance of healthy person. Not good idea be the way. Don’t try to be something your not, be honest with yourself is something learn the painful way and mean bleeding painful.

But not only did my social life suffer, my romantic life too. I was left to believe women would never be interested in this sick guy, in someone who they perhaps have to care for. I felt into this depression, thinking I was no good for friends, romantic partner and if did get one, what would they think of me. It was so ashame of myself, so afraid of something I had no control over.

It continue to spiral until I was at precipice. Feeling like anything I do I would fuck it up, and just because it was me, because it was genetically and programed into my DNA.

So how did turn my life around? I didn’t! I’m still in the process. This why this blog exist, but let me tell you it took the encouraging of seven great friends, religious support and belief and wanting to change myself.

So with this we move into Project 62: Improving Self Image and Confidance!

PS: Have you guys struggle with long-term illness, if so which were your symptoms and how did it affect your social life?

I really hope didn’t come off as pity party, it was more like how I use to dwell and feel.