The Stigma

Once again we are here.

This continuation from my previous post. In this case I be talking about the negative effect of prolong illness and body-shaming tactics we play on ourselves.

When I first developed my bleeding condition, I was reporting to work every day. At first I got few glances when I vanish into the restroom and came back a little paler, other times I quickly turned around and clean myself before anyone notice. But as time when on it became impossible to hide. One day while carrying a conversation with costumer, a stream of mucus and blood drip out my nose. This also left my tire and irritable and feeling as if there was something wrong with me.

I would hide in the back of the office, put tissues up my nose, or even seclude myself. I felt disgusting, infected and most of all not belonging to the social world.

This not only affected my relationship with costumers in my work, but I was also made target of jokes.

Now, I’m thick skin fellow who does not mind the occasional “Did someone beat you up?” or the wondering or “Excuse, why you have bloody tissues up your nose?” That all fine. Even my coworkers: “Your disgusting and snot-lord” comments are fine.

What was not, is how I felt about myself.

I felt undesirable

Having dealt with asthma and Crohn’s disease, my entire life and I have always felt my relationship were a bit different. Women like guys who can be tough and protective, (sorry for stereotyping here) I usually end sick once a week in bed and in need of rest. I can’t drink much because of Crohn’s, so bars are out the question, nor is spicy food or much of the fast food line up.

So my social life is very limited, because I’m easy tire and get sick. I can spend good day with person, but upon going home I crash and wouldn’t be able to do anything next day, not to say sometimes I would take double doses in order to keep the apperance of healthy person. Not good idea be the way. Don’t try to be something your not, be honest with yourself is something learn the painful way and mean bleeding painful.

But not only did my social life suffer, my romantic life too. I was left to believe women would never be interested in this sick guy, in someone who they perhaps have to care for. I felt into this depression, thinking I was no good for friends, romantic partner and if did get one, what would they think of me. It was so ashame of myself, so afraid of something I had no control over.

It continue to spiral until I was at precipice. Feeling like anything I do I would fuck it up, and just because it was me, because it was genetically and programed into my DNA.

So how did turn my life around? I didn’t! I’m still in the process. This why this blog exist, but let me tell you it took the encouraging of seven great friends, religious support and belief and wanting to change myself.

So with this we move into Project 62: Improving Self Image and Confidance!

PS: Have you guys struggle with long-term illness, if so which were your symptoms and how did it affect your social life?

I really hope didn’t come off as pity party, it was more like how I use to dwell and feel.

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12 thoughts on “The Stigma

    1. Thank you very much, it took long while to chose which parts to leave in and out. I wanted to post some picture of my recovery and surgery but I think I will do that in another post

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Glad I found your blog. I suffer from Colitis which thankfully, is now in remission. I feel ya, bro. I started to feel much better when I cut out a lot of junk food and sugars. Doesn’t work for everyone, but one day at a time. I was really ill for a year, and “depression” was an understatement. Not cool!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you found my blog!
      It such painful feeling, one day I remember being at work and starting bleeding and was pale from the pain and had no one to take me home. And yes it does cause severe depression

      Liked by 1 person

      1. OH God – that’s terrible. Good for you blogging about it though. This will provide an outlet for you to talk out your issues and get a little support. I know it’s hard right now, but stay positive. Positive thinking really does have a healing effect on the body. It’s not a miracle, but it’s something. ;o)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I do believe positive thinking heals the body, while negative only interfere with the process.
        I have been able to reach out and meet others with similar conditions to mine that help a lot : )

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing! I know that people can act horrible at times (and if your coworkers did say those comments to you then they are just the worst!) but I wish you all the best in getting better and I want you to know that you ARE desirable and you ARE worth positive friendships and relationships.

    I too believe that hope and positive thinking can help the body heal and I know that you’ll end up in a happy relationship. Not all women like “tough dudes” so to speak. I have finally found the one and my boyfriend and I look after each other, 50/50, with each of us being vulnerable in different ways. One day you will find someone who loves you just the way you are. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for your positive comments.
      Well I work with bunch of guys, they can be rough but today was my first day back at work and they were all so nice to me.
      With women, I’ll wait I don’t have a problem just some days when your alone in the hospital you wish there was someone there for you, holding your hand and telling you how much they love you and miss you

      Like

      1. I’m glad to see they changed their tune once you returned to work! Yeah I suppose some guys can be like that, they can kid around and say really mean things without being self-aware until afterwards.

        Aww I know what you mean, it’s rough during the hard times, ESPECIALLY when you’re in the hospital going through everything you’ve been through, and having to do it alone. Just remember that there are people out there who support you (including me!) and that you’ll find the right person one day soon when the timing is right. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. To my surprise most of my coworkers wives were incredibly nice and ask me
        how I was doing, I regularly visit all my coworkers.
        It was very hard, but I’m slowly learning how to move pass the difficult times in my life and see the good, which been very difficult I’m naturally a negative person.
        This are all huge changes for me

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It’s great that you’ve been receiving positivity and it sounds like you are doing well by continuing to be hopeful for the future and seeing the good. I’m so happy for you and your progress! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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